Bullet Proof Your Marriage

Let (your) marriage be held in honor among all, and let the (your) marriage bed be undefiled; for God will judge the immoral and adulterous (Heb 13:4).

Divorce is a very difficult and sensitive subject to discuss because there is so much pain involved for those who have gone through the experienced or about to go through it.

A year ago, I had an unexpected couple in my office. They were there through a referral. On my way to the office that morning, I saw a man in his forties and a woman in her twenties arguing and I walked past them at the walkway. I had to stop over at the bookstore to purchase some books. On getting to the office, I noticed that, the same people I walked past were right there standing in my office.

On entering my private office, they narrated what they were passing through in their marriage and told me they were planning to get a divorce. The once beautiful and happy family, planning for a divorce? How did they arrive at that? What led to such a decision? I counseled them as much as I could and with the help of the Holy Spirit, they agreed to give each other a second chance. They celebrated their ten years wedding anniversary two months ago.

Meaning of Divorce

The term divorce is the legal dissolution of a marriage either by a court or any other competent body. It is an annulment of a marriage!

Whenever I hear about couples going through divorce processes, I wonder what happened to the spark that ignited their first love. The society has painted divorce to make it seem as the only option when couples are having marital challenges.

Research has shown that apart from the overflowing of murder cases in the courts of law, divorce cases are also on the rise.

Research has it that over 70% of children are affected by divorce each year. Statistically, out of 2.3 million married couples, 1.3 million couples are divorced.

The aim of this article is not to make people who are already divorced to feel guilty. It’s been noticed that those who are divorced dissociate themselves from the society because they are being stigmatized. I have seen cases of divorced persons leaving the Church because they are no longer welcomed or they are usually attacked.

God has given very strict teachings on marriage. God ordained marriage to be the most intimate relationship we have on earth. He wants us to be more intimate with our spouses than with our parents. Marriage as an institution takes determination to make it work.

The only time God permitted divorce is in Matt 19:9, and the reason is because of unfaithfulness by either spouse. Even when unfaithfulness occurs, God never expect us to go through divorce! Sometimes, He only permits or allows divorce because of the hardness of the hearts of the people (Matt 19:7-8)). When sins or unfaithfulness strikes the relationship, it is God’s desire that both partners repent, forgive one another and reconcile. (Luke 17:3-4). Forgiveness is a necessary requirement and when we fail to forgive, it is a sin. (Matt.6:15).

Here is an example: let’s say that Mr. A, who is from a different background meets Miss B, who is also from a different background. Both share different ideas, opinions and point of views about life. Eventually, they entered into a marriage relationship. What do you think would happen to them?

Frankly speaking, you do not expect to have a perfect blend in the early years of marriage. Marriage is a learning process that takes time and great investment. Challenges will surely come, but it is a phase that will definitely pass.

Before undergoing the process of divorce, there are some important things you might need to examine. First, you need to think deeply about why you are considering a divorce. It is easy to naturally feel you should get a divorce when you become lonely, confused and frustrated. Nevertheless, you must do yourself a big favor by taking some time to figure out what is leading you into such feelings and if possible, write everything down.

Forgiveness is often very difficult, especially in the case of adultery and it may take a long time to heal, but God desires that we should always forgive others. May be you are saying, well, I don’t really think she knows what it feels to be betrayed? Yes, I may not have shared your experience, but one thing is sure, if there is a break in my relationship, divorce will be the last thing on my mind.

From experience, I have come to understand that the first few years of marriage are the toughest and only the strong stay to make the marriage work. We need to make every effort to help our marriages work!

When we enter into marriage with the opposite sex, the marital vow becomes a lasting covenant. We are joined together in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. God detest divorce because it damages family, brings disunity and the children suffer the trauma of divorce more. God wants us to be one flesh with our partners. Divorce is a violation of God’s covenant — it is breaking an oath taken in the presence of God. At the marriage altar, you swore to stand by your partner through thick and thin!

God hates divorce! (see Malachi 2:16). When you hate something, there is a different feeling towards that thing so hate is a very strong word.

Divorce causes a terrible hurt for adults. And it is even more painful for the children who have no choice. The children’s emotions are ruined by the trauma of divorce.

How Can We Avoid Divorce?

God gave us ways of avoiding divorce in the book of Matthew:

• We are to remain one flesh with our partners. (see Matthew 19:4-6). When we see our partners as equal or one with us, we will begin to accept them for who they are.
• There must be proper — open communication between the husband and wife.
• We have to dedicate ourselves to meeting our partner’s needs. The modern interpretation or cultural translation of today preaches that the most important person we owe our happiness is ourselves. However, when we let go these selfish motives, thoughts and ideologies, we will begin to appreciate our partners more, even when we are hurt.
• We are to avoid comparing our marriages with other people. The people we are comparing our marriages with, may have their own difficult challenges.
• We have to let God be the Superior Head over our homes and the wives must learn to honor their husbands because God has made the husband head over the woman — wife.
• We must avoid bringing any third party into the center of our marriages. The best solution to finding lasting peace is to carefully settle all problems within the confines of our homes.

The Bible says in Luke 16:18 that “Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery.” This simply tells us that God does not approve of people marrying and divorcing and getting into more remarriages. The Bible is indirectly telling us to work on our marriages instead of divorce.  The seriousness of marital vow or oath of marriage shows that marriage works through mutual respect – so marriage is a great responsibility!

1 Corinthians 7:10-11 says, “To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.”

The separation of death is what frees the spouse to marry again a different husband or wife. A wife is bound to her husband as long as he is alive.  We have to see that God hates divorce because marriage is one of His plans for his children.

Although divorce is very common today, we as people of God must exercise caution and not give room to the devils to destroy our lives.

To the singles, please make conscious efforts – be fully determined before getting married. Also, be sure to incorporate pre-marital counseling into your training arsenal before you say “I do”. I advise you to make every effort to get with your spiritual leader for wise counsel because when you are in a place of attraction and have passionate feelings for the opposite sex, it will cloud your view and cause you to make horrible and deadly mistakes. Make this powerful statement to yourselves that, once you are married, you will forever remain married. Let the vow or oath you have taken in the presence of God and the congregation of the people of God on your wedding day bind you. Ask yourself, why are you getting married or entering into a marriage relationship in the first place? When you have successfully cleared the air with a reasonable answer, you will then, enjoy a blissful marriage experience!

As I mentioned earlier, this article is not to criticize those who are divorced; it is rather to advice and encourage you to know that, irrespective of whatever your spouse has done, there is always room for reconciliation.

The decision to stay out of divorce lies with you. Bullet proof your marriage today and let the younger generation take your marriage as a true model.